i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
