totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
