I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
