i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
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