1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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