I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
