I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Randomize
