i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
