Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize