Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
