Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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