so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
