my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
