Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
