just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Sober January is a disaster.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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