I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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