It's like a parade of train wrecks.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
