Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
