Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
