Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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