Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
