Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
