Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
