You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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