I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
