I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
