she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
