Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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