last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
