I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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