the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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