I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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