Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
