you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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