He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
