just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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