Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize