i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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