I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
