why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize