For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
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