you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
