it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
