Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
