its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
