my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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