It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
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