My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
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