can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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