Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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