Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
