I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
