Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
