We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
