I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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