i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Where is the hickey?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
