Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
