I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
