in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
