Kiss
Puke
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
