She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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