Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
we made out on top of his cat.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
