Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
