This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
