So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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