my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
