I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
