I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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